At some point everyone should learn this balance:

It is something I’ve never been able to master.  This need to do and be (whatever) balanced with the need to care for others and make things right.  I am either running around trying to fix things, being the martyr that no one asked me to be or I am working on my projects for months on end.  Alone.

It is hard being a Secular Mother Theresa and/or a Spiritual Howard Roark.  I don’t advise it.

I found out this afternoon that a very good friend of mine is in the hospital (again) and will probably not make it through.  He is 61. This is the same friend I nursed from the beginning to end of his last hospitalization four+ years ago.

I couldn’t do it then, but did.  It almost killed me, but I did it.  I ended his extended hospitalization and rehabilitation for 4-6 months and dropped everything.  I almost lost everything as well.

When he started drinking again it made me sever ties.  I couldn’t cope.

And now this.  Some part of me, the younger more maternal part, says that I could have stopped this.  It tells me that just giving enough will fix things.  But I think emotional energy works like scientific energy:  It cannot be created or destroyed – it just changes form.

The last time it drained everything I had emotionally, financially, and physically.  I am still feeling the effects all these years later.  And yet I sit here thinking, thinking, thinking.

He never changed his condo admittance papers, so off I go tonight to find his will and business papers for his sister.  I am the only one allowed in the building unattended without a power of attorney.

It reminds me of a story of a distant cousin…

He worked out West for a widow as a ranch hand.  This would have been 30+ years ago.
She was a hopeless alcoholic, and as such was too much for him to deal with.  He tried, but it got to a point where he just had to go.

As he was leaving, she said: “You may have lost your loyalty, but I WON’T lose mine!”

He thought “sure, whatever” and cut out.

Fast forward 10 years.  He gets a notice.  He finds out that she has died and left him everything.  Every single thing.

Not that I am interested in my friend Greg’s things but there is some part of me that wants some kind of grand movie ending like that.  Some part of me that wants to show off how, even though he never stopped drinking, never straightened out his act, never did any of the things I thought he would when he essentially got a second shot at life…  that… I don’t know.  Validation? Vindication? Admiration?  What?

Then the hyper-rational side of me kicks in.  It has been my dominant side for the past few years.  It tells me that this has all (all of it!) been a lot of effort invested in someone to whom I am not related and with whom I don’t have  a romantic connection.  A LOT OF EFFORT.

Sigh.

So I’ll go to his condo after class tonight and find the appropriate papers.  I’ll think about where I want to go from here.  I haven’t been there in two years, so it will be hard to do it, but I will.

 

Done for now at least.

My personal blog is up and running. At least I think it is. All of the posts so far have been filler to get it configured properly.

If you stumble on this and see something wrong, let me know with an email or a comment.
I am going to switch gears now and work on my other personal blogs:

 

  • Wrought: A blog about things we (as in humanity) create.
  • Potatoes… We Always Grew Our Own Potatoes: A family & Genealogy site.
  • Points of Privilege: Where I write about my experiences with social privilege and try to remember not to add a “d” in Privilege.
  • Rural Pursuits: Random research into animal husbandry and agriculture in Southern Indiana.

After I get all of my personal blogs up and running I will start adding more content and then post it to Facebook and to the Projects page at Metafilter.

Hopefully this renders properly – I have been putting it together on an old PPC Mac Powerbook G4 which has been a little draggy.

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall…

If there are two things I rely on too much when I write they are ellipsis and exclamation points.

Sorry. I know better. I really do. But they are so tempting when I am trying to convey my tone of voice.

So here is an image I took the other morning when I noticed the mirror in the dining room had blushed a little more.

This was the mirror that my grandma used to get ready in. It is missing this tiny piece of walnut trim and so she never had it hanging up in my lifetime.

She did say, though, that is was interesting to have a mirror that was so obscured when you remember it being clear.

Her mirror aged with her.

 

No! I’m not like those people.

On the way home this past December, I stopped off in Sullivan, IN.

Sullivan itself isn’t anything to scream about, but they do have an Amish (I believe they are old-order, but don’t quote me) population. They pull their buggies up to the hitching post in the parking lot of the main gas station and pick up members who have taken the Greyhound bus to Chicago.

These people always have to deal with being someone’s thing. They are always getting their picture taken because of their horses, buggies, and clothes.

So when this guy saw me with my camera up, he looked away.

I don’t think he realized that my motivation wasn’t to fawn over his simple life and gawk (although my real motivation probably wouldn’t have set well with him either).

Growing up when, where,  and how I did all of that stuff is old-hat to me.

Gentle reader, I will tell you right now that he was hot. I wish the pic had come out better.

And in keeping with the theme of the blog…

I named the blog what I did because I seem to always be surrounded by conspiracy theorists.
This may be some kind of sample error, or it may be that my sense of the crazy is heightened from growing up with them. In any case, they are steel to my magnet.

If there is someone in the room who subscribes to any number of crackpot theories (they would balk at calling them theories) they engage me in conversation, and then before I know it *BAM* “Of course that was before the Masons and Oprah started stealing all of my ideas.”

Some of these people have ended up being good friends, but I have learned not to poke the bear in the cage as far as this stuff goes.  So Oprah and why your business aren’t going well are conversationally off-limits.

I do, however, like this image and may as well throw it up while I am fixing the images on the site and getting everything in order.

stay asleep gif

Stay asleep.

First!

I think I got this right.  At least for the time being.

There is a lot of talking to myself involved in anything web or code related, so every time I get this image when I am testing the theme for this blog, my response is “Yes, I know: Story of my life.”

Not found

Yes, well, I've known that for quite a while.

That this is said in my workrooms/offices on a Saturday late night is even more appropriate.